It’s one of them days, I’m blue-da-ba-dee and all that jazz. I had an exam and it did not at all go well. I passed, but that’s also all I can say. I’m struggling with it, I normally do fine on oral exams, and I know the curriculum well for this course, but I blew it today. Honestly, I made a proper fool of myself. I want to blame it on my health. The kids have something similar to the stomach flu, and I’m not feeling too good myself, but I’m not sure that was nerves before the exam and generally feeling like shite after. I didn’t feel to nervous either, I was asked to come in 15 minutes early and didn’t mind at all. But I was feeling cold before going in, shivering slightly, my stomach was turning, and I couldn’t quite concentrate. Normal nerves for me, but then I came in and I still couldn’t concentrate. Every question was followed by a blank mind. I was given a book and all I could see was a colourful cover with a few hundred blank pages. Thoughts would never connect. I’ve never felt so silly and helpless my entire life, or at least not that I can remember today.
I’m embarrassed, I think that is my main feeling. I’m usually better than this. I do hope that I am better than this, I have much to show that would prove that I am much better than what I did today, but I have been fighting hard with myself all day to convince myself of that, and I’m still not winning. I’m not posting here for your pity. If a friend of mine had gone through the same I’d say that it can happen to the best of us, a proper brain freeze. And that’s what I will have to tell myself.
As I said, I’m mostly embarrassed and I don’t want people to know. So that is where I have to start. It’s out there now, I failed, almost. I could take the exam again, or I can just try and shake it off, I’ll shake. New exams coming up soon where I can prove to myself that I am better than what I showed today. And for now, I’ll try and change my focus.
The glamorous librarian posted this list the other day, I’ll make it my own and turn this evening around.
I like a good cup of tea, the warm summer days we have now, how the seeds we’ve planted have decided to join us above ground as small, green, embodiments of miracles, how my two children laugh together, the smell of spring, and the look-of-a-thousand-words that I share with my husband.
I sing songs by Travis in the spring, they’re often sad but with a catchy and happy tone to them. Biffy Clyro is always on in my car and when I work out, I sing as loud as I can, but without opening my mind while in the gym. Adele is for when I need to calm my mind or feel emotional, I sing my daughter the same lullaby every night, and anything off the radio can be repeated over and over during the day.
I love my family, my friends, my life, my focus on happiness, and all that is good in the world.
I’m not particularly good at admitting my mistakes, giving myself the benefit of the doubt, being patient with my children, doing house-chores, or finding time for myself.
I prefer tea to coffee, summer to winter, car to plane.
I’m addicted to love, tea, colour, solitude, silence, sleep, smiles, and positive thinking.
I’m wearing all black but with a floral, pink and white top.
I drink water.
I’m listening to Travis and their album ‘The Man Who’.
I get irritated and annoyed by negativity, complaining over things that could easily be changed, consumerism, whining.
I’m scared of losing those who are dear to me, losing what I love, zombies, and powerful, self-centred people with low empathic abilities.
I wish for a peaceful and natural world, lazy summer days, blooming peonies, vegetables from my garden and all the best for everyone.
I’m embarrassingly bad at dealing with failures.
Thank you for reading through. I’m now feeling better.
And, by the way, my examiner today is a colleague of mine from August on. Talk about a good first impression!